[dog avatar]

Jun 18

Anonymous asked: I'M NO GOOD AT TMI QUESTIONS. what was your last sex dream?

are we counting nc-17 vimes/vetinari fanfictions for this one

…

no? okay. actually the last sex dream I had was a good one for tmi tuesday, in the sense that it was terrible, it was like. … um … I can’t remember whether the person in it was supposed to be my mother or my stepmother, but there was definitely a sense that they were in either case an imposter, helped along by the fact that a) I don’t have a stepmother and b) they didn’t resemble my actual mother at all

and

…

we boned. it was possibly some kind of test of her identity. when I woke up I kind of shrugged it off but now I feel a little awkward about it

thislousytshirt asked: obligatory dog question to annoy you

Ian Wright rested his elbows on the harbour railings and idly watched the outboard motor-boat, which served as a ferry between Fairbourne and Barmouth, chugging its way across the estuary, leaving a trail of foam in its wake. He was in his early twenties and his broad, handsome face was already tanned to a deep mahogany after less than a week of exposure to these Welsh coast sea-breezes.

‘Penny for your thoughts!’ the attractive red-haired, freckled-faced girl, dressed in jeans and sweater, nudged him in the ribs with her elbow. She was roughly the same age as himself, and her slim, perfectly proportioned figure had already caused many a male holiday-maker to glance in her direction.

[…]

‘Dear old Uncle Cliff,’ Ian laughed.

‘Not so much of the “old”,’ Julie slipped an arm around his waist. ‘He may be one of the country’s leading botanists but he isn’t forty yet. He’s very much your mother’s younger brother.’

‘You’re right,’ Ian sighed. ‘Cliff is almost like a brother to me. And he’s hip, too, to quote a modern phrase.’

okay yes using that list of offputting facts as a springboard, how about some tmi queries

mhektath said: thhhhhhhat nita/ed fic. whoa. DANG

right. right. I did not know it was possible to make shark maw that sensual

bmouse asked: Share 10 facts about yourself and then pass this on to 10 of your favorite followers :)

I just tried to rewrite the lyrics of Jessie’s Girl to be about Jessie’s Beard. And I’m lookin’ in the mirror all the time/Wonderin’ why it won’t grow on me/I’ve rolled in flowerbeds, I’ve put glue on my chin/Isn’t that the way beards come to be
and it’s clinging to him with those follicles
and it’s warming him with that full-bodied fuzz, I just know it
where can I get facial hair like that
One of my most unfortunate childhood ships was Nita/Ed from the Young Wizards books, with Nita being a thirteen-year-old wizard and Ed being an immortal shark (in case you haven’t had the pleasure); today I found a really hot fic about them. There is no taste sweeter than triumph, except for blood.
I had lice when I was six and ever since when I find myself scratching my head with regularity or intensity I get really freaked out. Which, to be fair, later when I was thirteen I started to leave these deep bloody weals under the hair, which would then scab over, and which would produce scabs of such texture and length that I was unable to resist ripping them off all over again, so—what I’m saying is I didn’t really need the help of tiny parasites to make my head gross.
I used to tear the edges off the pages while reading deadtree books, and then eat the scraps; I’m to this day not sure whether I’ve actually killed the habit or whether I just read too much stuff on kindle to have the opportunity often.
Given pen and paper, I doodle constantly.
I tend to wear my shoes with the backs crushed down under my heels, because I am too lazy not to treat sneakers like slippers.
I dreamed the other day that I was reading a Vimes/Vetinari fanfic where the first half was just Vimes carefully feeding and observing a collection of six fish, oblivious to the boning to come. …which I am only now realizing was probably some sort of Hannibal joke. Thanks, subconscious. Thanks.